The SQL Cafe

What is this?

Caffeinate Your Queries is an interactive presentation designed to teach SQL performance optimization through one ugly query with 10 common anti-patterns (we call them “Espresso Shots”).

What makes this different? You can see what's happening. Each anti-pattern has an interactive visualization that demonstrates exactly why it hurts performance and how to fix it. Learning by doing beats reading documentation every time.

The goal? Take a query from 6,327ms down to 47ms by understanding and fixing each issue.

Why I Built This

After years of optimizing databases and reviewing slow queries, I noticed the same patterns appearing over and over. Developers don't write slow queries on purpose — they just don't realize the hidden costs of certain SQL patterns.

I wanted to create something that makes these invisible performance problems visible. “Don't use SELECT *” is good advice, but seeing 80 columns being shipped across the network makes it unforgettable.

If even one developer walks away thinking twice before writing a correlated subquery, mission accomplished.

About the Creator

Tristan Chiappisi

Principal Data Architect

I help teams build fast, scalable data systems. When I'm not optimizing queries or designing schemas, I'm building tools like this to share what I've learned.

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